I know the past few weeks I've been on a real positve kick, and I firmly support the positivity principle and have seen so many wonderful things happen in my life recently. But (there's always a but), it's been a tough week. I'm not sure exactly why - if it's that I go to work in the dark and drive home in the dark; if it's saying goodbye to my old team. Or, if now that I'm finally done criss crossing the country every week, I'm settling down and realizing that starting over takes work and it means asking myself some hard questions.
For instance, I have spent the past five years consumed with work and avoiding real personal connections with people outside of work. And, I want that to change, but wanting something and changing it are two different things. Recently I hung out with an acquaintance and shared some of the hard questions I was asking myself - why it is so hard for me to relate to other people, what I really want in the close relationships in life, what my Eiffel Tower is. The last reference is homage to a friend of mine who grew up in some pretty wretched circumstances. After his father died (a fireman), he would often stay in a firehouse because he couldn't go home to his alcholic mother. After years of hard work, he made his way up in a Fortune 500 company. We went to Paris together, and he desperately wanted to go to the Eiffel Tower. I have to be honest I couldn't have cared less about the Eiffel Tower. I wanted to sit in a cafe and listen to street musicians and people watch. But, of course I wanted to go for him. And as we neared the top (after climbing about 700 steps -we had gotten in the wrong line), I could see the joy in his face. Afterwards when we were talking about the trip, there were tears in his eyes because he couldn't believe someone like him who in his mind came from nothing had made it to the Eiffel Tower.
I asked this acquaintance these questions the other night, and pretty soon this person got really sick of me - they hit the wall. It was too much. I admit I have been asking myself hard questions ever since I can remember. I recall a boyfriend saying to me when I was 16 that I was way too serious. I am very serious I guess in that I take living life seriously, but I don't really take myself seriously. I laugh all the time at myself - I mean doubled over laughing - and I try to find the humor in everything. But, I think the serious questions are important. We only get one shot at this life, right?
My Eiffel Tower is the moon. Seriously, I want to go to the moon. This week Richard Branson opened a spaceport in New Mexico which hopes to send a maiden voyage to the moon next year.
Sometimes I feel like a freak because I do ask myself the hard questions often and I feel a little alone in that. I often feel like people don't want to ask the hard questions, they don't want their lives to change - not even change for the better. And, I often feel badly when I see the uncomfortableness for asking other people the tough questions. But, maybe people do ask themselves the hard questions and they just don't want to tell me about it. Who knows.
But, my question for you this week, Sisyphers, is what is your Eiffel Tower? As always, please feel free to comment by clicking the link on the right or sending me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Freeing Sisyphus (aka Melody)
Putting the shoulder to the boulder and taking small steps each day to achieve freedom from the mundane.