She wonders how she fell behind her life,
Or maybe just stepped out beside it.
She watches a woman cover herself in dirty
Laundry and thump pain - morse code -
On the closet wall. This cannot be her body,
Her head beating out messages.
They both see him at the closet door,
His mouth gupping sounds meant to stick
On her with adhesive sincerity. Their
Disbelief does not stop the true-blue
Slime from oozing out of his mouth onto the
Woman on the floor while she watches.
Caught between guilt and repugnancy,
She knows her choices, leave or stay -
And she will stay because she cannot deny
The message. She understands the way back
Into her life is not through his smoky charms,
Python-thick, that wrap around her even now,
But through the slime-covered reality, hiding
Behind linen that needed to be washed a week ago.
Melody Wright, May 1995
It is hard to believe that I wrote that poem twenty years ago. Even more Impossible to comprehend that across so much distance and time I find myself needing to find my way back into my life yet again. In truth, I'm not sure I ever left that closet floor. The person, the thing, the fear-filled me that stood at the closet door may have changed, but I think I'm still there.
For those of you who used to read this blog - we are back.
I've been thinking a lot these days about how when we started this we had so much momentum, such hope. I keep trying to put my finger on the thing that blurred our vision and parked our purpose (thank you Steven Furtik for that last sentiment). There was a family tragedy, my job (s) did consume me and my loneliness overwhelmed me. But, I don't believe that it was any of those things. I believe it was fear, fear that has plagued me for so long. Fear that one day someone will know the truth about me. What truth? There is no one truth and no one thing. It is just a vague concept that has kept me rolling the boulder up the mountain every day.
A recent change in my circumstances has given me time and space to think, to feel, to see that I must get back up and continue my journey back into my purpose, my life.
My sister and I are close to having a first draft of our book. I'm not sure I ever believed we would do it, and I think I've spent twenty years running away from one of my biggest passions.
Today's post is very self-centered, but for those of you who pass this way and stop to read it I encourage you to think about what passion you've buried, whether you have been resting too long and letting fear drive your daily life. If so, stay tuned. Perhaps we can help each other on this journey. I know I need help.
So, hello again.....more to come.
Freeing Sisyphus (aka Melody)
Putting the shoulder to the boulder and taking small steps each day to achieve freedom from the mundane.